Learning to distinguish the two and decide what best serves your intention
Have you ever been hurt by the sharpness of someone's tone? Of left someone else hurt by the harm in your chosen words? Either way, you're far from alone.
Communication can feel like a gift or a curse, depending on the practiced awareness of those involved.
I'd venture to say that most of us were not raised in households where loving, care-full communication was prioritized; leading to another generation's responsibility to recognize and break the cycle of constricted, criticizing conversation skills.
To break the cycle will largely involve learning the difference between mindfully responding and mindlessly reacting when your turn to communicate presents itself.
The words are similar yet the difference of the outcome is profound.
Reaction is a survival-oriented defense mechanism of the subconscious mind. When you're reacting to something you're in autopilot mode and largely without filter; not thinking first or considering outcomes. Reactions are usually met with regret some time later, to some degree or another.
Response comes more slowly, stemming from both the conscious and unconscious mind. Response requires mindfulness, giving yourself the chance to recognize triggers and observe your emotional response to the topic at hand. You offer yourself distance to witness your mind, run through the pros and cons of your response options, and decide what outcome would best benefit the overall situation.
Practicing responsiveness over reactivity
Practice the pause. Taking space when you feel triggered can mean the difference between strengthening or tearing apart a relationship and leaving someone - whether relative, partner, co-worker, neighbor, yourself, or otherwise - feeling disregarded.
That space could mean a few deep breaths or stepping away and returning to the conversation after a few days to reduce the emotional charge that had accumulated. Every situation will be different and should be honored as such.
Acknowledge your feeling(s). To get to the root of the trigger will require that you acknowledge the emotions you're feeling when triggered. Are you angry? Anxious? Why?...
Ask yourself why. What actually triggered you just now? This step allows you to notice potential blindspots or subconscious habits. Often, how you choose to react has much less to do with the situation at hand than it does the history of similar situations or conversations that you've encountered along the way; something below the surface.
The faster you can acknowledge when and why you’re triggered, the faster you’ll be able to regulate your nervous system and get yourself back on track.
Land on a skillful response. This is where the magic happens. As you step back, really consider what your goal is here. How can you respond in a productive, conscious way that will help move you toward that goal? Feel encouraged to explore a few options for how to maneuver here.
Get empowered. Expanding your self-reflective capacity through this practice will have an empowering, aka healing (double whammy!) effect; like a muscle being strengthened to respond with greater purpose and intention.
The goal of this practice is to decrease the amount of time you are reactive while regaining your sense of centeredness more efficiently. Autopilot will still be unavoidable at times, and it's important that you practice compassion and grace following those moments.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Learning to respond vs react will require continued practice, and it will get easier with time. Overall, in each situation, including those that feel stressful, you will have the choice to either respond or react. You cannot do both at once.
Which will you choose?
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